3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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