At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
