biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
