The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
