It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
