But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he puts the penis in happiness.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
