Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
