Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
