i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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