I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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