dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
