we have pet lesbian snakes
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
