im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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