JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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