I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
ok first of all what the fuck
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
