I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
