If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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