Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
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I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We left the knife in your bed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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