I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
