next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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