I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
