I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
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I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
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I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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