I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
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did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
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Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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