guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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