I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
