Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
