I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
