she smelled like a LAN party
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
