I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
