I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
