Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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