Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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