the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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