who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
