you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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