If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
