The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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