Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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