I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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