I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
We're not piercing ourselves today.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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