I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sex on roller skates
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
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Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.