Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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