A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
