Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
