he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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