I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
