so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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