just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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