He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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