you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
