you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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