He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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