The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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