You're completely useless in the revolution.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
