I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
