I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
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It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
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Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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