I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
