I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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