Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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