Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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