the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.