At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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